I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
