Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
