i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
