I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
