my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
