Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
