I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
