i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
