first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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