I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
