Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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