well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
