Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
