can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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