then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
