Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
