Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
