I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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