I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
