1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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