On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize