So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I will pee on everything he values.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
