I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
