i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
