when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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