The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
