I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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