Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
