I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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