he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
