the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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