First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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