she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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