I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
