I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
