everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
