Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
