Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
