sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
