It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
