I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
