found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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