I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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