Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
