im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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