I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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