I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
