why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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