no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
