He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
