I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
